I decided to increase my efforts at having hair-washing be a better experience for Sarah. In the past it was not so much of a problem but lately she screams a lot and fights our efforts. During one SR session, I brought in a laundry basket, our bath bucket, a washcloth, and a couple of bath toys. I climbed into the laundry basket tub and asked her to wash my hair. I played with saying, “no, no no” and she laughed. Then I talked about enjoying it. I prompted her to do each step of getting my hair wet, adding shampoo, and rinsing my hair. No problem. Then she took a turn in our fake, tiny, dry tub. No problem. The next day I got into our regular tub with both girls and prompted them to wash my hair. Sarah initially didn’t want to get my hair wet, but Amy did a bit with the washcloth and then I asked Sarah to use the washcloth to get specific parts of my head wet. She did so, though tentatively. I celebrated her efforts. Then I asked Sarah to open the shampoo bottle. No way. So I opened it and put some in my palm and offered my palm to her so she could touch the shampoo. She did, very tentatively. I shampooed and Amy helped suds my hair. Sarah helped rinse my hair with the washcloth a tiny bit and then I finished rinsing rapidly because Amy had peed in the tub! I laughed heartily at my foolishness for not having her use the potty before getting in the tub. What I value from this experience was noticing how tentative Sarah was even when it wasn’t her hair.
Yesterday I started understanding a bit of a pattern to some of Sarah’s conversation isms. Isms can be very clear when they are exclusive, repetitive physical behaviors. When they involve eye contact and conversation they initially might be harder to detect. The key is that they are repetitive loops of statements rather than real conversations and they can seem to come from nowhere. What I started understanding further is that Sarah reaches for these statements or topics of conversation when she wants a safe zone, perhaps because we don’t give an initial ism enough space and we challenge instead of bonding. An example of a conversation ism is when Sarah quotes an Olivia book saying, “Oh no! The play be ruined!” To bond, my best response is, “Oh no! The play will be ruined!” with as much dramatic flare as I use when reading the book. Her eyes light up and we connect, repeating this line back and forth. When I attempt to challenge her a bit and I ask her if Pig Number Two (from the book) can jump over the moon to save the play, inviting her to jump over the moon” it is as if I haven’t spoken and she just repeats, “Oh no! The play be ruined!” When Sarah is isming, the best thing to do is to bond, not to challenge. The bond will help her feel safe enough to have more flexibility to follow a request or rise to a new challenge. With an ism involving physical activity, the go-ahead signal that she is ready for a request or challenge, is when she looks at me for a while and/or says something. Ah, so how to tell when I can add something different to a conversational ism? I think it is mainly about testing the waters. I can try inviting Pig Number Two to say or do something but if there is no bite, then I return to bonding.
Another conversational ism that Sarah loves is to talk about sock marks (the marks on her legs due to wearing socks). I am curious to pay more attention to when she chooses this topic. I am suspecting that it may be where she retreats when she doesn’t feel like she can meet a challenge or request or if we don’t recognize an earlier ism so continue trying to interact instead of joining. I am also thinking she may most often ask to watch something after I yell at her for something. Hopefully I can use this as empowering information rather than something with which to condemn myself for my occasional yelling.
I had a very humbling moment one evening when the girls were supposed to be in bed and then we heard footsteps coming downstairs. I felt myself getting grumpy, stern, and braced to hear yelling. Then it turned out to be Amy and I was immediately soft and easy and ok with things. Egad!!! Say it ain’t so! In my defense, Amy doesn’t usually yell about being told it is time to go back to bed; Sarah sometimes does. However, this was a startling moment about my beliefs and assumptions and the inequality of how I respond to my children. I am ever reaching for softer and more compassionate responses with Sarah, and I get many opportunities per day to practice!
This weekend Sarah is getting several Anat Baniel Method Lessons. She has gotten them a few times a year since she was a baby. I love it when I see her face register some new tiny bit of information as she feels something different within her body movement. ABM is about creating new neural pathways through very gentle movements. An extra bonus to where the lessons are now is that Sarah gets to watch buses as they go past the window.
Sarah and I had an awesome SR session earlier in the week. It started with her commenting on a picture of someone carrying flowers. I said it was a bouquet. She attempted the word. I offered her a bouquet of markers to smell. She said they smelled like tulips. I said my bouquet smelled like lilacs. Then my bouquet made me sneeze! Then hers made her sneeze. Then my bouquet was comprised of roses and I pricked my finger on a thorn. She giggled a lot while practicing saying “prick” and “thorn.” She put a pretend bandaid on my finger. Then I held my bouquet too tightly and pricked my hand on a thorn, throwing my bouquet in the air so markers went everywhere. She threw hers in the air too. This moment is a perfect illustration of play when she is fully ready for my builds, challenges, and requests. The playtime was easy and fun; she was fully engaged. She was flexible and so I kept adding ideas and she kept going with them. Until I put the marker flowers in a vase and that led to a few moments of isming with putting the markers in and taking them out. I did the same with a different container and then Sarah shifted to wanting to make a pretend milkshake, which was interactive again.
At various times in my life I have wanted to do something because I knew it would help me become more of who I want to be. I was keenly aware of that thought when I chose to be a massage therapist. Perhaps Sarah was keenly aware of my unspoken wish when she decided to be my daughter. Or when the universe gave her to me as my daughter. Or however you want to think of it. Or maybe it is just that I really want to be my best self and keep heading in that direction regardless of my canvas of exploration.
I hope you are having beautiful weekends, being gentle with yourselves, bonding in the life situations that call for bonding, and feeling easily creative when you have space to ask for more.
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