I’ve been considering the suggestion that we be the change we want to see in the world. I am understanding it in a slightly new way, realizing that if I want Sarah to be more peaceful then I need to be more peaceful. Perhaps this is obvious but it also seems rather profound, and I am certainly not always achieving it. However, having this intention does help because it clarifies my purpose in peacefulness a bit more. In a very selfish way, I want to be peaceful so that Sarah will hurry up and be more peaceful. It also feels better when I maintain my peace and calm.
We just returned from my 20 year high school reunion. I had a truly wonderful time. Carl watched the girls for almost all of the time on campus and my parents babysat when Carl and I went to the evening gatherings. The girls, had a good time and a hard time. The school had bubbles for all the children. There is also a small playground which was quite wonderful. There are doorways and ramps that Sarah wanted to occupy, which was actually ok until it was time to leave them. She wanted to go back to Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop’s many times throughout the day. Her seasonal allergies started bothering her as soon as she woke up that morning so she was on allergy meds, which helped some but not fully. At one point when Sarah was screaming and I wanted her to go to the playground so I could go to the Meeting for Worship (it’s a Quaker school), I rather roughly picked her up. Once the girls were at the playground I went to Meeting to be peaceful, thoughtful, and grounded. I love Meeting. I especially love it at my school. It is the first time in a long time that I remembered I could offer a prayer of asking for help. So I did. In my head. I asked for help in being more loving towards Sarah. As I sat and thought I realized that a lot of my roughness and tension come from worrying that my plans are going to be derailed. Then I realized that maybe I could frame my plans differently and know that my biggest most important plan is to lovingly connect with Sarah. Other plans are actually less important. When we got home last night, I totally forgot this in my desire to get us inside after our long drive. That was not our most lovingly connected time. Anyway, even if I don’t always remember my revelations, I am always grateful to have them and I feel especially grateful for this particular Meeting as it reminded me of so many Meetings in my younger years.
High school was not my easiest time. I know that is true for many people. At this reunion I felt the most comfortable being me and the most truly me that I have with this group of people ever. I began to rewrite history in small nudges, realizing that if I felt uncool (no comments from people who knew me then!) and sometimes like an outsider, that that was perhaps largely in my head or through my actions. I know we were all struggling in our ways and figuring out who we were and are. I also know that all of my classmates are kind, lovely, wonderful people that I am honored to know. My teachers too. I love my whole school, and I am so glad I was a student there. I’m so glad I went to the reunion, even if it was two long drives in 3 days. I didn’t attend the 15 year reunion because Sarah was 3 at the time, wasn’t walking or talking, her eating was crazy stressful, and most of all I felt uncomfortable about having a child with special needs. How wonderful now to feel proud of her, to feel good about all that we do and have done to help her, and to feel safe with my classmates to share my situation (not that it is necessarily news thanks to Facebook and my updates/blog).
Speaking of our little sneak… before the trip I went to tidy the floor of the SR room. I had left it clean. I also thought I had put the Candyland game on the shelf in the closet. Indeed. When I opened the closet to put the game back on the shelf I found the chair that is normally in the room in the closet, so she clearly had moved it there and then helped herself to what was on the shelf. Awesome! Oh no!
At my mom’s house at one point I wondered where Sarah was. Carl said she must be around because it’s not like she would leave the house. We turned the corner to see her with her shoes on and a key in her hand, attempting to unlock the door to the outside!
I may feel frustrated with Sarah’s temper and stubbornness, but I do love her passion and determination, which are really perhaps all the same thing.
Sarah has had some wonderfully connected, playful, imaginative times with her volunteers in the SR room recently. With Z., Sarah initiated a whole scenario regarding a missing number on Z’s watch. Sarah pretended to go downstairs to the basement to get materials to fix the 9.
I hope you all had good weekends.
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