Remember my list of things I would do when the girls were in school? hahahahahahahahahahaha.
By the time I got to Friday, in a week where I only saw one client (though I also taught for one morning), I was so exhausted that I didn’t have any oomph to do much of anything except be in bed. I didn’t even care about having a book. I wasn’t asleep and I wasn’t awake. I was just wiped out. I know part of this was probably due to the stress of the week because so much was new and getting myself stressed about it is currently how I roll. Being stressed meant that my brain would get going in the middle of the night for a few hours so even if I went to bed early I still wasn’t getting good sleep. Or, Thursday night, I couldn’t fall asleep right away but neither could I pin down what things were spinning in my brain for more than a couple of minutes. I was busy trying to remember things and then couldn’t even remember what I was trying to remember.
But let me back up. On Monday I managed not to dissolve into tears until after we had dropped off both girls. It was tough as we drove away after leaving Sarah with her teacher, but I didn’t want to worry Amy with my crying. After we left Amy then I just held Carl’s hand tightly as we walked home and tears spilled out. I don’t think my tears were about my girls growing up so much as just worry about them being ok and having a good time. Amy was a bit teary as we were saying our goodbyes so that added to my concern. The day went well overall. Pickup at Sarah’s school seemed like a very very very confusing system that I totally didn’t understand despite two explanations. It felt so overwhelming that as soon as I was driving away with her I burst into tears. So, day one of school, I cried the most of anyone. Until that night when Sarah realized she had to go back the next day. Then she cried for 45 minutes, stopping only when Amy brought out a favorite book. Tuesday Sarah cried a bit at dinner. Friday she cried a lot at school. I think she felt as worn out as I did. Amy had a wonderful week. She loves school. She runs there in the morning and has energy to run home in the afternoon. Pickups at Sarah’s school are still not my favorite, but I do finally understand the system and will arrange my timing so I am not sitting for as long in a hot car just waiting.
I spoke with Sarah’s teacher Friday afternoon and gave some ideas of how to help Sarah when she is overloaded or crying and I am going to send in some of her favorite books. Overall though I felt so pleased listening to how her teacher responded to her. It affirmed that she is in very good hands.
Thursday evening Amy said she was super excited to be brave and try something new Friday morning. We asked what it was. She didn’t remember. When I picked her up Friday afternoon I asked what the new thing had been. She said it was a lock-down drill. I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. I just wanted to vomit. I know that doing the drill doesn’t mean the bad thing is going to happen, just like a fire drill doesn’t mean there is going to be a fire. But I hate that this is something schools need to do.
Sarah’s palate expander journey added to the intensity of this week. At the beginning of the week she was having extreme difficulty eating anything other than yogurt or fruit/veggie pouches or drinks. I found some yogurts at our coop that she could have so that it wasn’t all the soy yogurt that I make. Daiya now makes a yogurt and there is a hemp milk kind as well, though both aren’t quite ideal. By Friday Sarah’s eating seemed back to normal so that is huge progress. The clarity of her speaking still isn’t back to normal, but at least she is excellent at being persistent when we don’t understand. I feel wobbly about food stuff overall as I try to adjust to me being the only person eating at home during the day, but needing to make sure we have enough food on the weekend and for lunches, but not wanting food to go bad. The girls take a lot less with them for lunches than they would eat at home if they were here for the same amount of time.
This morning, while I was writing, Sarah dumped out a container of small toys that Amy had collected. This is a common occurrence but the dumping ground was the dining room floor, which is not ok with me. I told them to move the small items to the family room. Sarah then picked up a handful and threw them. I yelled loudly. She went away crying. I sat feeling like a bad mom. A few minutes later Sarah came in, looked at me and said sweetly, “Mom, I’m sorry for throwing.” Knock me over with a feather! Usually when she apologizes she says what she expects me to say, such as, “I’m sorry for yelling.” And this was all on her own with no prompting!!!!!! Is this due to learning something at school? Whatever it is, I love it. Now I just have to get myself in more centered balance so I’m not yelling at my nearest and dearest for throwing plastic muffins.
I do love the quiet time when the girls are at school. I do trust that this will get less intense and that I will be able to schedule more things in my life beyond just maintaining the house and managing the food situation. I am readjusting my expectations already about how organized and clean everything will be. I feel my cluster headache beast knocking at the bars of its prescription meds cage (despite the meds, this is a common time of year for them especially given the higher stress and irregular sleep) so I am scheduling more self care immediately.
Anyway, I hope your weeks were good.
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