This week has to go day by day. You all know how deeply I wanted Hillary to win (I know many of you did too). This update isn’t very much about anything else. When I see my hopeful pre-election picture I want to cry. I’m not ready to take down my yard sign.
Sunday. Monday. Is it Tuesday yet??
Tuesday. Oh my goodness! This is the most amazing, exciting, history-making day. Let me listen to Cyndi Lauper’s “Sisters of Avalon” and feel joyfully empowered.
Tuesday night. Oh my God. I am going to be sick. Literally sick. I need to calm my adrenaline or I will actually vomit.
Wednesday night. I feel hollow, clenched, sick, and so very sad. My nose is raw from how often and deeply I have cried. My successes for the day include somehow miraculously getting the girls ready and to school on time. Sometimes it is a blessing to have a tight time schedule and a very set routine. I didn’t have to think much, just prodded myself through each next step. There were moments of the day when I even felt ease and joy, especially when I was at work and could just focus on what I know to do in the realm of helping someone else’s body. And then there were moments when it hit me again and I felt like I reawakened to the nightmare. There were many minutes where I couldn’t fathom making dinner. And yet, kids must eat. Thank goodness for my soup order. I had healthy, homemade soup, which seemed extra perfect for my battered heart. I know that there is a possibility that some readers of my writing support Trump. Knowing some people I esteem as friends and family support him has been so inconceivable. At the moment I cling to what I know and love about them and hope that somehow things will not be as bad as so many of us fear. Thank goodness for term limits. Maybe we can take the next few years to push for preference ranked voting and for an increase in polling places and fixing the gerrymandering crap that occurs.
Thursday. Well, I feel better than I did on Wednesday.
Friday. I want to roar with rage until my soul is raw. For all of those reasonable, smart, loving, thoughtful people who voted for Trump… did you really not understand that some people would use this as a license to do horrible things? REALLY?!?!?!?!?! This is not just that someone in a party other than mine won. At this moment I would gratefully accept Romney or another 4 years of Bush, and that is seriously saying something.
Then there was Leonard Cohen’s passing. I didn’t even know about it when I decided his music was just the thing for me to listen to (after repeat listening to REM’s “Everybody Hurts” so I could sob my heart out.) I love “Hallelujah” and especially this line, “And even though It all went wrong I’ll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah.” So, with that in mind, I am so grateful for the good people in my life. I am grateful to know some people who supported Trump because I can cling to my knowledge of their good, loving selves. Not everyone who voted for him agrees with the parts of him that are so hurtful. There is a lot of good in the world.
Saturday. Today. My voice is actually raw from yelling. Yelling at my kids. Yelling just to yell. Yelling because our house is full of too much stuff. Being at a party Friday night where everyone had to speak loudly to be heard. My voice is raw. My soul is raw. Raw and battered. I feel like I am on my knees after being punched in the stomach, looking up at almost half of the country and saying, “how could you?” I have conversed now with friends who did vote for him and I know the reasons even if I disagree. None of their reasons are any of his awfulness. But still. His awfulness is out there, was clearly out there, was and is a model, and many horrible things are happening in his name. This is not ok. This is not at all ok. And yet I love my friends and I know they are good. Most of the country is actually good. So how do I reconcile all of this?
On a positive note, in pre-election days I had unfriended someone on Facebook because on our political differences. But I missed her. It didn’t feel right. Also, where is my walking my talk about inclusiveness and listening? If I want to understand those who think differently from me then by all means I want to start with people that I know and love, people that think very much like me about some other things such as the Son-Rise approach for helping our kids. So I refriended her and sent an apology for the unfriending and we have had some conversation. It feels good to have her back.
And now here are a few non-election moments of wonderfulness…
Amy has been writing that she loves Sarah in as many different ways as she can think of. Amy heart Sarah. A heart S. 5 loves 9. peas love carrots. red loves pink. cat loves bear. (oh my serious goodness! Does it get any sweeter?)
Sarah got evaluated by a vision therapist on Monday. After 75 minutes she was worn out. I offered that she could have a break and listen to dog music (the album has a picture of Pluto) on my phone, which is one of her favorite things in this world, and she said no. She just wanted to go home and go to bed. That is what we did. I like the therapist very much and I do think Sarah needs the therapy. I have a meeting with the doctor on Monday to discuss what she deduced and what the plan is for the future. I feel good to have started this process.
Amy learned how to button and unbutton buttons! She sometimes seemingly takes a long time to learn a skill, but not really. It is just that she has no interest in learning it until she is ready. Once she decides to learn something she gets it right away.
Writer loves readers. Jenny loves friends and family. Chocolate loves whatever your favorite foods are. 39 loves whatever your ages are.
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