November 19

I have had some strong feelings this week.

It is as if there was a party and people had to vote on what food to serve and only one food could be chosen. One option was gluten-free on a paper plate and so a lot of people were not very enthused. The other option was banana bread on a china plate. Everyone who voted for the banana bread said, “the great thing is that the baker tells you all of the ingredients!” The ingredients include walnuts. Over half the country clamors loudly that they are either mildly or severely allergic to walnuts. Those who vote for the banana bread say, “don’t worry, he probably didn’t actually mean he would include walnuts. Go ahead and have some.”  This was not politics as usual. This was under half of the country saying, “we don’t really want gluten-free” while over half of the country was screaming, “for the love of God walnuts are poison to us! Please do not poison us!” and the Trump voters saying, “well, suck it up, you’ll be ok, why are you all so mad?” I may not personally have a walnut allergy, but I care deeply about those who do. Sarah has a literal, anaphylactic allergy to actual walnuts. I have such a sympathetic allergy that I no longer eat walnuts and I nearly drop packages when I see walnuts in the ingredient list. I considered being a walnut for Halloween some year because I find them so scary, thus the choice of walnuts for my analogy.

Now, moving on…

I was noticing when I was working that I was getting too narrow in my focus, and I was no longer caring for my own body in my effort to help the body under my hands. I redirected my thinking and my movement so I was back in my usual zone of being able to use my body well while still doing effective work. This felt so much better. I realize that I have been moving through life lately with a narrow focus. I have been feeling so much anger. This isn’t all bad, but neither is it all good. I’ve made lots of calls to my representatives. Usually I squirm at the very thought of making a call. Now the numbers are on speed dial. But. I think I can redirect my focus to think good thoughts and have general good use of myself while still taking action.

Last night I felt like I had a rock of anger and terror in my belly and no amount of reasoning would make it budge. So I let myself collapse crying on the kitchen floor (you know I love that floor). This morning I feel much better and clearer than I have in a while. I am also attempting to stay away from the thoughts that created the rock in my belly, but if the feelings are there then I don’t want to ignore them or belittle them for that is the worst of all.

I debated for a while about whether or not to include the first part of this update. Every time I decided I shouldn’t because this should be more kid focused and more upbeat, then I felt even worse because that felt like a lie and the biggest reason I started these updates was to share my actual experience.
I read an essay in which this statement was attributed to F.M. Alexander. “All the damn fools in the world believe they are actually doing what they think they are doing.” I hope I am doing a fraction of what I think I am doing.

As for the girls…
When I picked Sarah up from school on Wednesday I asked her how it was and she said good. I usually don’t ask because I know she will always say good. That is the answer she has learned to say. It doesn’t actually give me information. I then asked her what she did in gym class. She said, “I runned.” This is so beautiful! The imperfection of it tells me that it is her original thought and construction, not just a rehearsed answer that she has learned to say.

Sarah will start vision therapy on Tuesday. It may be that the concussion she had when she was 4 is still having an impact on how she functions and how fatiguing certain things are for her. Her first therapy sessions will be on her way home from school so I hope she won’t be too tired.

It takes some serious scrubbing to remove craypas from the legs of a child.

In the past we kept a list of Sarah’s rules to live by. I forget them now, but this morning she added a new rule: Don’t get saliva on mom. Right! I often have to give reminders that if they spit on me, lick me, bite me, or otherwise get saliva on me then I will put them down.

I will close with Amy’s words of wisdom, “When we are mad we forget we love each other. After we get our mad and sad out then we remember that we love each other.”

Thanks for listening.