I’ve been grumpy a lot lately when it comes to my kids. Grumpy about the mess they make, about their whining and complaining, about their screaming (mostly Sarah’s), about their fighting with each other. I feel like I am just a grumbly grumpy mean parent with occasional blips of niceness. This probably isn’t being fair to myself in my assessment, but I am definitely not who or how I wish I was. When I am teaching or at work I generally feel so good and centered and like I maybe have something of value to share. When I’m at home, not so much. I have felt weighed down by all the things I feel I should do and by all the horribleness that seems to be in the world so that I really shouldn’t ever feel sad or mad or complain about anything because my life is so amazingly easy and good which then makes me worse of a person for having a hard time, etc, and the spiral continues until I am shorter than a duck’s knee.
If you stub your toe that is really only a tiny part of your body but it can take over all of your awareness. Being not-the-parent-I-want-to-be is perhaps my stubbed toe. It is probably only a tiny part of my overall life but it feels really big.
Tuesday started at 2:30am due to various factors. It can take a while to get back to feeling rested after that. This morning started at 5. I know being tired can make other things feel harder. Being underfed or underwatered can also be a problem. This morning I’m targeting my hydration and I will hopefully get a nap later. I will also eat things. Not promising anything about what.
I did have some wonderful times teaching and seeing clients this week. We also had a wonderful visit with one of my best friends and her family. E is the sort of friend where we can not see each other for years but as soon as we are together it is as if we have been hanging out every day. Her sister G, another best friend, happened to call during the visit even though she didn’t know it was happening. I love things like that.
Another good happening was that yesterday my sitter accidentally arrived early. That was fortuitous because it meant she was outside with Sarah when the raccoon came by at 10am and followed them up the steps and then sniffed at the front door! I often let the kids play on their own outside without being with them all the time so I don’t know what Sarah would have done on her own regarding a raccoon. That was part of what had my brain staying awake at 5am today. I started imagining scenarios and what I would do if a raccoon came in the house, etc. You know, the kind of super important common life problems to solve instead of sleeping!
Swimming was cancelled yesterday due to the water being too cold (we would have been in an outdoor pool because the indoor one is being repaired). Unfortunately, that wasn’t communicated until 8 minutes prior to the start of the lesson. There was much upset and much screaming. I do understand it being too cold and I do understand cancelling. I do not understand this not being assessed or communicated much earlier. When we got home the girls watched some tv shows while I rested a bit in another room. I heard them helping themselves to cheerios. Then later I discovered they had also helped themselves to chocolate chips! That isn’t something I want them to repeat but it is actually kind of hilarious and adorable.
Earlier in the week Sarah wanted to recreate her car bed from when she was much younger. Carl made paper wheels with her. A sitter made a temporary roof out of a sheet. I decided to bring up a camping canopy. Let me tell you, that was super hard to put up by myself inside a bedroom with no dirt in which to stick the poles! But I did it and the girls love it. Sarah and I also made some fabulous marble runs and went on stroller walks together.
A friend of mine says that if you are stuck it is because you are asking yourself the wrong question. I think I often get stuck trying to figure out what I should do or what is the right thing instead of asking myself what I want to do. I will aim to ask that latter question today because I can feel it helps me think differently.
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