I recently took a Reiki 1 class and it was transformative. It helped me see that I want to prioritize taking care of my inner landscape the same way I’ve been aiming to stay on top of cleaning my house. When I feel my irritation tighten my chest, I want to pause to center myself the same way I might pause to pick up a dirty sock from the floor. I want to take time every day to invite a feeling of calm into my being. I’ve been imagining scenarios in which I get tight and then letting go of the tension. This has been helping when the real moments occur. These are not new ideas but this is the moment and the angle that worked to get them into my being. The Reiki class and self-Reiki practice helped me reconnect to sitting in silence as I did in Quaker Meeting when I was younger. It helped me realize that I could bring into my life more often the calm space I feel when I do massage. On purpose. It matters. It counts. It helps. It has only been a few days but I feel the difference in how I am with Sarah. I had been struggling off and on for a while with feeling like I just grumped at her all the time. I judged her, was annoyed with her, was irritated by her questions, etc. I felt like a Son-Rise failure but I just couldn’t find my way back to it without it feeling forced. Suddenly it isn’t forcing. I am feeling such love for Sarah. I am delighted to greet her when she comes home (instead of dreading it). I am enjoying being with her in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time.
When Sarah was younger and her challenges were first apparent, I really really really really wanted a miracle from God to just fix her. I knew such things sometimes happened and I really really really wanted it for us. My mom suggested that sometimes healing isn’t what we think it will be, and that maybe healing could look like my heart not being so hurt about Sarah’s situation rather than her situation necessarily changing. Sarah’s situation has changed from the early days when I didn’t know if she would crawl or eat or walk or talk. My heart has also healed and filled so much. There is still heart break sometimes, but for the first time in a while I feel rejuvenated with hope and love and space for Sarah in all of her Sarah-ness. The extra beauty of this whole picture at the moment is that I decided to pursue Reiki at this time because I wanted to be able to help someone else who is dear to me who dealt with some major struggles recently. Sometimes struggles can bring some really amazing blessings, even if we hate that perspective and kick and scream our way into the blessings.
This week Sarah’s school participated in the St. Anthony Inclusive Games. It was wonderful to see so many people of varying challenges and abilities together. Each person who has a challenge has a non-challenged buddy and everyone was just hanging out so easily. The cheering was so loud and real. The teachers are all amazingly caring. It was the first time that I thought, “Oh. This is normal. Having a child with a challenge is normal. Having a challenge or disability is actually normal. Society and some past history may make us forget that it is normal. But really it is a part of life that has always been there and always will be there. People are just different in so many ways.”
I think a lot of my shift in perspective also comes back to that little moment of deciding to keep the kitchen clean. Truth be told, there are some days that are so full that I don’t keep it clean. But that is always the place to begin. That is the means whereby I get to my bigger goal. Cleaning my kitchen and sitting quietly for a moment with Reiki for myself, those are the means whereby. I don’t have to worry about the bigger picture. Those are the single steps that help me get to where I want to be. I’ve had many moments where I struggled and barely held on to these single steps. Yesterday I felt like the whole thing went belly up. I was blah, down in the dumps, doubting, and criticizing many of my actions during the week, and feeling like I should delete all of the update about good things because clearly I knew nothing. I emailed my mom about this feeling. She called within minutes and it felt like a sports match between her and my “yes, but” gremlins. My gremlins scored a few points but they were no match for my mom. I was no longer in the dumps. Whenever I feel like I’ve had an epiphany then I think things will feel easier from then on, as if my work is done, even if the epiphany is about the work that needs to happen, and then I can be so disappointed when things are hard. This morning I am aiming to fully internalize the words I have written here so that I can remember to keep picking my dirty tensions from the floor. One sock at a time.
On this Mother’s Day, I want to acknowledge the enormous team that is part of my mothering. Without them I would not at all be the mother I am and my kids wouldn’t get all of the love and creativity and nurturing that they get. There are so many people in this team, from Carl to our families to our SR team to our sitters to our friends to the girls’ teachers in all venues to Sarah’s therapists to my therapists to my mom. An extra shout out to my mom who cheers for me daily and always wants to know all of how I am doing and being. Even when we are separated by so many miles I can still feel her come running when I am in distress, just as I run to scoop up my girls if they are hurt. I am so grateful to all of you who support us in this beautiful life.
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