Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you feel deeply loved. If you are reading this then you know that I love you.
The bravery in our household this past week has been strong. The girls and I took downhill skiing lessons. I managed the bunny slope!! Sarah learned how to slow herself and stop. Amy took the chair lift and traversed 3 green-level hills!! I survived knowing that Amy was taking the chair lift!! I am impressed with all of us and can even consider the possibility of skiing in the future, which is not something I ever thought I would want. Perhaps the real lesson was a reminder for life: do not attempt to tackle the whole mountain all at once; break it into small pieces and just do one piece at a time.
The soundtrack for our life this past week has been all Lady Gaga all the time. Amy’s favorite song is “Bad Romance” and Sarah’s favorite is “Poker Face.” When Sarah is the DJ we listen to “Poker Face” repeatedly. I love that we are all dancing to the same music and loving it equally. I love that Sarah’s most recent musical tastes range from Disney’s Favorites (eg. “Old MacDonald”) to Straight No Chaser Christmas songs to Lady Gaga.
On February 22, Amy’s school will begin in-person small cohort rotations two days a week. I knew that when she found out this was an option she would have my head if I didn’t say she could go, but I intended to keep it a secret until the day before it started. I’m concerned that if the covid numbers for the county spike then the plan will fall apart and she will be more heartbroken than if it was never considered. But… her school sent out an email explaining how this coming week would have a different schedule as teachers prepare and that they would be talking with the kids about the changes. I knew I had to say something. She is thrilled. I am nervous. Fingers crossed. She will at least allow me to walk her part way there on the first day.
I have been reading through the session notes we kept years ago after each Sarah-Rise session. I found one note that Carl wrote 7 years ago and it continues to crack me up every time I think of it. He wrote “today we foc” and then the rest of the page is covered in squiggles made by Sarah. The fact that he was trying to write “today we focused on…” and couldn’t even complete that thought is – -/,’;:—— (I don’t know how to type squiggles).
A friend sent me Untangled, by Lisa Damour. It is about parenting teenage girls, and so far it is helpful and eye-opening about how to think about the transitions into adulthood. Mainly I see it applying already in some ways to Amy. With Sarah I have to work a bit more intentionally to make myself see her as a teenager. Since her developmental age is all over the map and many aspects remind me of a very young child, I tend to think of her that way. But what she probably needs is for me to get on board with how she is a teenager and needs more independence. The book gives a great metaphor for how teens can be snuggly one minute and pushing away the next. It is as if they are in a pool learning to swim and I am the safe wall to snuggle with while they catch their breath; then they push away from me to swim more.
My head continues to feel good and I continue to do my breathing sessions, weekly thoughts, and daily yoga. All of those activities are helping me notice more clearly my tension habits and patterns. The degree of full-body tension in some seemingly benign moments is astounding, but noticing it continues to give me hope. I’m also still on my regular meds so that I’m only contending with the shadow of headaches. While the meds that I could inject into myself are in my fridge, I haven’t yet taken that step. That is partly due to fear and partly due to wanting to notice when I am getting tense. Sometimes I don’t notice that until I get a whisper of a headache.
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