After spending a week not doing much except maybe an errand or two with Sarah and a nap with Sarah – or snuggling while talking about bears in boxes – I often feel like I didn’t do anything. And yet, if I wasn’t there “not doing anything” then someone else would need to be, so isn’t that actually doing something? Also, why the perpetual need to feel like I am doing something or the converse self-judgement if I overdo things and am incredibly busy? Clearly I do have time to ponder such things. A whole lot of not doing much but being the parent companion of one who can be easy going or incredibly inflexible can leave me both rested and at the end of my rope. For more specifics…
Amy was at Camp Delicious this past week. It was a cooking day camp and she came home with leftovers so she took care of dinner every night! That was amazing. The camp wasn’t quite what we expected and it was still a good experience. The instructions specified in no uncertain terms that campers were to wear long sleeves and long pants, socks, and sneakers. Amy was prepared, though also expecting to be too hot. It turned out that she and her bestie were among a select few to have followed the instructions that then weren’t enforced whatsoever. If you are going to give seemingly strict instructions, then enforce them! And if you aren’t going to enforce them because it doesn’t actually matter, then don’t give the instructions in the first place! Camp was scheduled to go to 3:30, but when I arrived on Monday afternoon at 3:30, Amy and her friend had been waiting for 45 minutes! The final day included a group competition, as they had been working in groups all week, and parents were invited on Thursday to come at 12:30 on Friday instead of 3:30! Why do camps always assume that parents have nothing going on? Why do they not tell you of the final showcase when you sign up so you have your hours set correctly? As it turned out (see paragraph 1), Sarah and I didn’t have much of anything going on so we were easily able to attend. Sarah lasted about an hour and then decided she was done. Given the screaming matches we had had the day before, where we later joked that our Angers had scorched the top of the car, I knew I didn’t really have a choice except to leave or have her scream and throw her shoes. Thankfully, the parents of Amy’s bestie were there so they could bring her home, but I felt heartbroken and mad to have to choose one kid over the other because of her screaming prowess. It didn’t feel fair. As we drove home I was crying and Sarah rubbed my shoulder and told me she was sorry I was sad. On the one hand I wanted to blame her for my sadness and on the other hand, her kind response was a good reminder that my response to the circumstances was my own and not caused by her. I was sad because I thought things should have been otherwise, but I could also have been driving away in good spirits appreciating how long Sarah had lasted to begin with. The heartwarming thing that I missed was Amy being given the Spatula Award for always lifting others up. Amy also learned a lot of good chopping and cooking skills so she is more ready to be a helper in the kitchen.
I have been working harder on some days to curtail how much tv Sarah watches, and other times letting her watch is the only way I feel like I can survive without being unkind to both of us. Some of what she loved watching included videos on YouTube about medical situations and procedures. Kids prepping for surgery or a dentist felt reasonable as ways to process things she has experienced, but adults with abdominal pain going to the ER was not what I wanted her to watch. Requesting that she change it caused her to double down. Fortunately, something reminded her of Mr. Greg reads, the recordings made by her beloved speech therapist Gregory during the Covid shut down. As those recordings are all still available, one morning I set things up with that already on YouTube, and that seemed to switch Sarah’s internal channel for what she wanted to watch. I let her watch A LOT of Mr. Greg reads, because it is almost as good as having him with her in person and it is reading books. She often runs to find her copy of whatever he is reading so she can pretend to be him.
Our week was bookended with water. Last Sunday went went to a pool party at the house of one of Sarah’s school friends. That was absolutely wonderful, and I learned about the spice combo called Tajin, which is now my new favorite way to eat watermelon. Remarkably, if we pretend Carl was at the pool party, then out of the 10 people there, 8 of them shared a birthday with someone else at the party. What?!
Yesterday the girls and I went to the beach and it was relaxing and fun, but only for about 3 hours because it was so hot and Sarah didn’t want to go in the water to cool off. When she wanted to be done, Amy and I knew that the path of least resistance was to be done and not ask for any more time. I am puzzling over how to actually be able to negotiate with Sarah when she wants something that I can’t or don’t want to immediately provide. When we got frozen yogurt after camp one day, I didn’t have any water with me. Sarah wanted to wash her aligners and the need to wait until we were home was intolerable. As she yelled, I was not relaxed, thus charring the inside of our car if our feelings had resulted in flames spurting from our heads. I know the more I can clear my own tension and respond with ease to her, the better, and that is really the only recourse I can think of because I clearly can’t force her to change – try as I might.
I am still grateful to have my relaxed time to do the something-nothing of being with Sarah most of the time, and I am also glad she has Camp Anna tomorrow so I will have more time where I feel like I am in more control of what I do and when I do it.
Lots of love to all of you.
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