Remarkably, in the past, whenever one member of our family got covid, somehow the others did not get it. This time around, Sarah, Carl, and I all got it. Knock on wood, somehow Amy managed to avoid it – perhaps because she spends so little time around us during the school week. Last weekend I knew I was fighting something but the first two days I tested I was negative. Then last Sunday I tested positive, just as Sarah tested negative. I spent my nights in the basement and my days masking or outside. Luckily, I was mostly better and the test took longer to register a positive line by the time Carl tested positive, so then he moved to the basement and I moved to our bedroom with the windows open. One might say we were being ridiculous with our masking and avoiding each other given that we probably had the same bug, but as I was feeling better it was not appealing to be unmasked around someone who was feeling worse. We also really wanted to protect Amy. Carl and I ate all of our meals outside. Today I finally tested negative and I feel almost back to my usual self. Unfortunately, Sarah now seems to have a bit of a cold, so around the germ Ferris wheel we go!
September 22: New Dance Steps
I took a zoom class through the Option Institute called Calm Amid Chaos. I have taken many classes through the Option Institute and their associate organization, the Autism Treatment Center of America. Their whole perspective is that our beliefs shape how we feel as we move through life, and that our beliefs are things that we can change. For example, if you believe that a back-up at a tunnel is going to mess up your plans and be bad for your day then when you encounter said back-up, you may be angry or upset in some way. Conversely, if you are like Sarah and you believe a back-up at a tunnel is the best thing ever, you will be overjoyed. Or, if you believe your cat is the best thing ever no matter what she does, then when she rolls around on the top step so you can’t proceed, you, like Amy, will be delighted. If you believe you have better things to do and this is wasting your time, then you, like me, will feel annoyed. But, you have the power to notice your beliefs and decide if they are actually what you believe.
It was really perfect that I had covid and was in the basement on my own for much of this week while taking the class because I took the time I wouldn’t otherwise have taken to look back at my early years and what experiences shaped some very early beliefs that I then carried with me diligently and earnestly from then on. One belief, that I’m not even sure why I adopted to begin with, was that I’m not smart enough. I know. Many of you may find this ridiculous, but I will tell you that I honestly have been living with a bit of imposter syndrome for my entire life. I spent at least an hour looking back at my life and convincing myself that I am smart enough. Enough for what I don’t know. Enough to be wherever I am I suppose. After truly shifting that belief, I noticed unexpected ripples of changes in my thinking in other areas of my life. As I moved around my days and around the house, I kept noticing things I did as a mother and thinking, “Oh, I’m such a good mom!” I tell you truly, this is not normally a thought I have. And it just bubbled to the surface. There was something about pulling out a root of a different belief about my intelligence that somehow allowed me room to relax about my worth as a mom. I don’t remember ever making such a deep shift, and I think I owe it all to having covid and using the time to reflect so deeply.
This class also helped me realize how many things I deemed hardships in my life I would also say are the best things that ever happened to me. This realization gives me peace of mind about Amy’s school situation, which is shifting but wasn’t the instant fix I had hoped for. But now I realize it will really all be ok. This might even end up being one of the best things to ever happen to her. I feel more at peace about her application to CAPA as well because I trust that however it goes with her getting in or not, she can make her life amazing. Even yesterday we had a good moment around her portfolio and how she felt like there was no room for self expression. Allowing room for all of the tears, we then brainstormed how she could do a still life with objects that were Amy-ish.
I feel like I’m learning some new dance steps. This doesn’t mean I’m not still dancing my usual fear dances, but it means that occasionally I’m pausing and changing my steps and trying a new dance. I do like the new dances with more breathing room. Mainly I like giving myself a little more space and kindness to not run around internally like a headless chicken. Maybe I just need another hour in the basement every once in a while to sort out that I actually do belong. Much as the love and support from others are lovely, what I understand is that the knowing I belong has to come from me because there is no other source that I will believe.
May you know whatever you need to know.
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