For the past many Christmases we have traveled to warmer climes before heading to Philly to see my two sets of parents. This year we stayed put. Christmas Eve was filled with house tidying and baking gingerbread cookies. Then we attended an evening church service at a church we can walk to. We don’t usually attend church, but Christmas Eve feels different. We loved that the first moment was an invitation to be still and breathe and an assurance that everyone was welcome to be exactly who they are. There were adorable children dressed as angels and a sheep and a cow, and Jesus was played by a real live baby. When it was time for the Lord’s Prayer, everyone was invited to substitute whatever words they wanted to make it fit their beliefs. I loved that. Sarah went to bed promptly when we got home, and was ready to do presents at midnight! Then she was ready at 4:30am! At 6:30 we decided it was actually time to get up and we woke Amy, who can usually sleep until 9 or 10.
We have been enjoying snuggly days filled with naps and reading and playing games. Amy and I have loved playing Who’s She, a version of Guess Who? where you learn about important women throughout history. To our surprised delight, they made another version of the game with a whole new set of women. I ordered it months ago and it arrived December 24! We were also excited to learn that Sleeping Queens has been reimagined into a second version of the original game. Carl and Amy got a couple of days to ski before the weather turned grey and rainy. We have feasted, laughed, and worked on a too-hard jigsaw puzzle with Carl’s family. Grandma helped each girl make a beautiful paper snowflake-star to hang from the mantel. Sarah has been delighted to talk with Grandpa about his injured knee. She likes pretending to be Nurse Tiger and Doctor Cat. Last night most of the adults played music together while Sarah gave the time count to start each piece. My favorite part was when they played “Silent Night” and Sarah started singing the little-know extra verses that have lyrics solely made up of meows or “music notes” repeated over and over.
While there were many presents exchanged, Amy’s aunt and uncle got her the most exciting present of all. . . a trip to see the musical Six in Detroit. Amy has been listening to the soundtrack for the past year and it is her favorite music. Sarah will be going to a performance of Goodnight Moon as her special event with her aunt and uncle. Carl’s trick regifting to Amy got the most laughs. He put a giant Lego set into a gift bag. This is a set that we have had for a couple of years but never completed – so it wasn’t a new present at all! Lastly, the item that Sarah is spending the most time with is a photo book that I made called Sarah and Granddad. It is filled with pictures of Sarah and my dad from the time she was a baby on up through when we saw him at Thanksgiving. Ever since Thanksgiving she has continued to wear her Peanuts shirt that matches his. When she loves a piece of clothing she wears it 24/7 when possible. For months she has been setting out our photo books we make each year, opening them to her favorite pictures of Granddad and leaving them open around the living room, as if curating her own art gallery. Now she has all of those favorite pictures and more in one little book. She also has a new shirt that matches one I got for him and for me. It has a quotation from Herman Melville’s Bartleby, the Scrivener: A Story of Wallstreet that says “I would prefer not to.”
I will admit that some of this time has also felt stressful. Planning food for many people for many days takes some brain power. I’m not sure why it can feel overwhelming, but it can. The days when Carl and Amy were out skiing and Sarah and I had loads of time to nap and watch shows and just be were both snuggly and wonderful AND difficult! Those were stellar opportunities for me to judge myself as a mom and think I should do more to engage Sarah in some activities, despite the fact that she pushed back against everything I suggested aside from a nap. I thought I would go mad if I needed to lie still one more time – because you must understand that she only wants to nap with me next to her. As my book launch looms closer on the horizon that is exciting and terrifying. I’m worried that my bookstore events will be flops, that I will suddenly not be able to write legibly, that I will not read long enough passages, that the conversations I have with other authors will be awkward, that people will be bored, that people will have all pre-ordered the book and thus not buy them from the bookstores, and that the bookstores will be mad at me. I want to stick my head in the sand and just hide from it all. I also worry about the time once all of the book stuff is done because, then what? What do I want to do with my life and myself now? I want to read, but can feel guilty when I spend lots of time reading. Now that I don’t teach or see clients anymore, I no longer get that little repetitive boost to my ego that I am doing something worthwhile and helping people and having people say nice things about me! Because as any parent knows, you don’t always get accolades for parenting. And even if I do, then I still find ways to judge my choices coming and going. So, in a nutshell, things have been wonderful and also have been feeling hard. I share all of this in case you too might be having a case of the Mixed Experience. It takes a lot for me to just accept that I am human. Everyone else is allowed to be, but somehow I always want to do things better. Yet I remain humblingly human.
May you have moments of surprised delight and deep belly laughs along with kindness if you are feeling a little, or a lot, rough around the edges.
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