Last Sunday morning we woke up in Florida, had our last amazing breakfast at our favorite restaurant, did our Easter hunt, and flew home. The next day Amy had school, much to her chagrin because that is how she always feels about school these days and this week was PSSA testing week. Sarah didn’t have school on Monday so I had huge ambitions about what we could do with our time. I hoped to get some annual bloodwork for Sarah completed and also apply for her to get an ID, which requires lots of important papers including those that tie her to me and me to our address. We did get the bloodwork done, but the wait was long. We went to lunch afterwards and then walked to the place I thought would take care of the ID application process, only to learn that we have to go to a different location. That was enough for Sarah. She was done and wanted to nap. I was sad and had a hard time letting go of my vision for the day. Sarah kept saying that she needed a nap and I grumpily conceded, but as we drove sometimes she changed her line to, “you need a nap.” I was in denial about that, but she was very right. As soon as we tucked ourselves in, I was out, and when I came to I felt like I could have kept sleeping for a lot longer. I reassessed things and of course there is no actual deadline or need to get Sarah and ID. Technically she needs an ID or her passport for flying now that she is 18, but with our most recent airport experience no one asked for her ID. Instead, when we were leaving Pittsburgh for Florida, the TSA agent said to Carl regarding Amy, “Is she under 18?” The other agent asked me, referring to Sarah, “She’s under twelve?” Oh height and what it makes people think! I realize there is also something about demeanor and connection towards the world, but it was still an interesting moment.
Tuesday my main mission was to remember I couldn’t eat things with small seeds. Wednesday was my day to ingest only clear liquids (somehow coffee is also permitted) in preparation for my colonoscopy on Thursday. It was my first, and my mom joked that her baby was really growing up! Old enough to need a colonoscopy! Anyway, the whole thing went smoothly, and Carl and I went out to eat afterwards. Food! Blessed food. Not being able to have solid food for a day made me appreciate all food much more than usual. I was also incredibly loopy after the procedure, but didn’t even know how loopy I was. Carl said that the doctor told me something and then the next moment I asked about the very thing he just explained, as if he hadn’t explained it. I’m glad Carl was there to be my ears and brain until mine came back online.
A year ago at this time of year we were madly dashing to rehearsals and trying to make sure Sarah somehow got enough sleep to make it through all of her performances of her school musical. This year I didn’t think I could handle being her assistant for the musical again or the tech week intensity. We found the Center for Theater Arts that has Special Actors classes. She attended class once a week and there were no extra rehearsals. Plus we always got to drive through two tunnels at rush hour to get to class, so that was truly ideal for my tunnel-slow-down loving kid. The performance was this Friday and it went beautifully, but next year I will make sure I know more about what her role is and help her know the lines to her song. I knew that everyone sang all of the songs, but I didn’t know that there were lead singers and that Sarah, as Belle from Beauty and the Beast, would be the lead for the “Be Our Guest” song. The musical was a compilation of different Disney songs in a production called It’s a Small World that was written just for this occasion. For most of the numbers Sarah was unfortunately placed so that we couldn’t see her at all. Sometimes when the kids would reach towards the ceiling we would see the tips of her fingers. But for her song, she was front and center, and seemed like she was born to be there. She grabbed the microphone and owned her space, saying her line, “Everything is so delicious here!” She stayed at the microphone to sing “Be Our Guest” and was loud and clear for the words she knew and hard to hear for the words she didn’t, thus my determination that next year I will make sure she knows all of the words. It was quite a contrast from last year’s school musical where I was there for almost every minute of rehearsal (unless it was Carl there instead) to this year having only seen one class early on that didn’t include Sarah’s piece. So it was all a surprise. I was frustrated and disappointed when she was once again invisible at the back of the stage, par for the course for so many of the shows she has been in because when you are not a lead and you are short that is what happens, but then I was so impressed and proud when she took center stage so boldly. Afterwards we went out to dinner and she got to say quite appropriately, “Everything is so delicious here!“
Yesterday Sarah slept in until 6:30am. That would have been amazing for me too, but I woke at 4am and my brain was clearly not letting me go back to sleep. After breakfast I took Sarah up for a weekend retreat. She missed the first night of it because of it coinciding with her show, but she was excited to go up for one full day and night. I feel so thankful that we found the theater class that works for her and the place that runs her retreats and camps.
Usually I don’t do podcast interviews on weekends, but sometimes that is how it has to be. For yesterday’s recording, the interviewer asked me what I would tell my younger self. I answered, “not to worry so much.” I then realized that my future self will probably want to tell my current self the same thing. Why is it then so hard to do? I feel like I’m trying to get to the end of my life story to make sure it all goes ok, as if expecting that then I get to go back and do it all over slowly to enjoy it and notice it. But that’s not how it works. I am ever striving to really be in my moments, and a lot of the time I am, but I can also use frequent reminders to be here now. With my high school reunion approaching I am also feeling sucked back into the past, my cells rehashing all of my younger insecurities. So I’m a bit topsy turvy about who I am and what decade I am in. Am I getting ready for my prom or my colonoscopy? Oh right, it is Sarah with the prom! As the minutes seem to be racing by, I am reminded of the character from Catch 22 who occupied himself with excruciatingly boring activities because that helped him feel like he was slowing the passage of time. I don’t want to pick excruciatingly boring things, but I do want to appreciate the small exquisite moments like seeing Amy run off to her bestie’s house for a sleepover, wearing her cat robe that has ears and a tail. There is nothing better than seeing such an earnest full grown cat scoot down the sidewalk.
May you know what moment you are in, and may your moments be adorned with earnest cat ears.
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