I started wearing an old coat that I haven’t really worn for years. It is long and black and I used to wear it all the time. When I resuscitate a piece of my old clothing it feels like an inner part of the essential me sits up gasping for air and I realize how long it has been forgotten. It feels wonderful and awkward in equal measure. Am I still who I was? Is this still a me I can enjoy being in the world? Or is it now foreign to feel young and flamboyant? Perhaps those are odd questions to ask when I’ve barely cleared 41. But that is miles from where I was when I first bought the coat. This is not really about the coat, and it is also completely really specifically about the coat. It is about how I express myself and who that self is and how I’ve changed and how I haven’t. I note the missing button, sitting somewhere in a drawer, and a loose button I avoid fixing. Some parts of me never change.
Early yesterday morning Amy had two teeth extracted. She was really nervous about the whole thing so I had a pill to give her when we left home to help her relax. She had to fast before the extraction so the pill worked fast. By the time we got to the oral surgeon’s office, Amy was wobbly on her legs. At first I thought it was just her way of trying to avoid going. Then I realized she really was wobbly, and then she was seeing things doubly. She was a very tired cat as we cuddled in the waiting room. I was allowed to stay with her through the whole procedure, and I was very impressed with the doctor and support staff. Amy was given laughing gas and I made silly faces to help her relax further while it took effect. In the recovery room, she told me that she had a dream where she was on a cloud and I was there making faces at her to make her laugh. She was a very unhappy poor sweet baby for a little while, but by the afternoon she was back to herself and even attended a birthday party. If I didn’t know she had had surgery I would never have guessed.
Carl and the girls made an extensive pretend bus in the family room yesterday while I was taking a class. There is a door frame made from the plastic pieces usually used to frame our ball pit. Dining room chairs form the entry platform and our step stool provides the steps to enter the bus. There is a label at the top, attached to the sheet roof, that says 61B. 1. This is totally amazing. Carl continually amazes me in so many ways as he moves through parenting and life, especially given the temper levels that can be reached by the rest of us. 2. Having large structures built from sheets and chairs and various bits of paper happens routinely in this house. It wasn’t long ago that the girls made a hot air balloon with Sc, complete with pictures of birds, butterflies, and clouds taped to the sheets and strewn about the room. I adore the creativity of the people who enter my house. Also, if I am completely honest, it is something I have no interest in doing myself and am happy to let it be what others do. I’m sure I could get energized about it if I put my mind to it and started, but that isn’t where my energy has been for a while.
Sarah’s OT has been working with her on tying shoes and she is really getting it! This is not something she does yet at home because we don’t have special dual color laces with tape in specific spots. I also don’t ask her to do it because when she needs to wear shoes that tie she also needs to be ready for the bus, and I have no patience for anything that might take extra time. As with building elaborate structures, I love being able to outsource certain things.
I’ve been more aware than usual of the direct connection between when I feel stressed regarding the kids and when I want to eat chocolate. Unsurprisingly, Sarah saves certain behaviors especially for me. One of her specials is that if I ask her to do something she says no and/or whines, yells, and/or asks why. When other people ask her to do things she will just do them, or at least that is my perception of things. I have not handled this well this week regarding leaving the house to get Amy from school. One day I even yelled enough that my throat was scratchy afterwards. I hate feeling embarrassed about my parenting self, and I’ve felt that several times this week. Pass the chocolate.
I really really really love my work. I love the peaceful focus that I can have. I also really love teaching. For some of my students, all I have to do by the end of my time with them is look at them, and they become more aware of how they are using their body. With one we joked that he could just have a picture of me in his office. I took a picture of myself giving him the stink eye and framed it for his graduation present. The girls thought the picture was hilarious.
Leave a Reply