This weekend we had a fabulous time at Bald Eagle State Park in PA. We were with Carl’s cousin and her family, all of us enjoying swimming in a lake, playing in the sand, playing on a playground, playing on bunk beds at the B&B, and then renting a pontoon boat. The weather was perfect and the scenery was beautiful. As usual, there were many many many times when all Sarah wanted to do were all the things we didn’t want her to do and that she just kept trying repeatedly. Tonight I had a small epiphany of realizing that that is part of her autism. It doesn’t mean something is terribly wrong with me or with her. It just means she wants to do certain things over and over, especially on trips because then these favorite things (ramps, doors, air hand dryers) are present in new forms and are extra prevalent. It was a relief to realize this was actually all ok.
That has been my motto for the week, written on a post-it above my desk: It’s all ok. I also have another one on the top of my computer: Everyone is ok.
As you know, for a long time things were feeling very challenging for me. My mom wisely recommended taking some small but concrete steps to change things. One of the changes was to make my post-its. Another change was to call my mom daily (except during travel). These changes have really helped. I think part of what helps is talking to someone who I know (without a shadow of a doubt) always loves me, always cheers for me, and is interested in my deepest feelings as well as my not-so-deep thoughts. I get to talk about any and all of it. It helps keep my attention out. It also sometimes helps me tidy a room because I don’t feel like I’m really cleaning it; I’m just picking up one thing and then one more thing. I know I have lots of amazing supportive people that I see daily, but the addition of the phone call really does seem to be helping. My mom can also tell when I am about to set too-high expectations and standards for myself and nip it in the bud before I even get going (sometimes).
I had a great talk with M. this week too. She helped me remember that along with reminding myself it is all ok, I can acknowledge and name however I am feeling at that moment, accepting any and all feelings. And she suggested doing jumping jacks when I want to shift my energy or mood a bit. She also helped me verbalize why the phone calls with my mom were important and helpful.
I have had more good cries than usual lately too and I think that has also helped. Carl has been his usual wonderful listening self. I feel like I am getting back to who I recognize as myself, in terms of my energy and motivation and sense of being.
At ballet class, when everyone was sitting in a circle, Sarah got up and walked over to the teacher and said where the teacher’s phone was. On the one hand, I could have been annoyed at Sarah for being disruptive. This time I saw how awesome it was that she has the skills to be disruptive in that way. There were times in the past when I would have given anything for Sarah to be able to crawl/sit/stand/walk/talk. How awesome that she can now walk and talk so well as to be disruptive in class! So often I have been focusing on where we aren’t that I forget to see and celebrate where we are.
Also at ballet, Sarah came out to see me and I asked if she wanted to go back to the class or sit with me or go outside with me. We went outside. We had a pleasant, easy time and saw two people that we knew. Amy unfortunately missed us the whole time, but aside from that it felt like a success.
I was also thinking that when I check my phone while at zumba, so often slightly expecting a text that Sarah is having an allergic reaction (I know on some level this doesn’t make sense but it is what I have been doing), I could instead use the moment to celebrate how long Sarah has been safe and well. She really only has had one severe reaction. So, instead of always fearing another one, I could use each moment I feel fearful to remind myself that she is ok.
One of the things that has always seemed magical to me about the Alexander Technique is that subtle changes can make a huge difference to my experience. It is the same with these tiny shifts in perspective. They can make a huge difference.
Much love to you all.
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