Flint is doing much better! He is still old and he still has cancer, but he no longer seems to be at death’s door. Last night he even got up on his cat perch in our bedroom for the first time in over a week. Thank you all for your good thoughts.
Overall I’ve been feeling so grateful for all of the support I have in my life from so many different sources. For instance, the woman who cleans my house is so thoughtful and kind towards our whole family. She always makes time to say hello to the girls and she often arranges the spongey bath letters to spell a message for the girls. I love that so many people who enter our house do so with such good intentions and good energy.
On Tuesday we went to a volleyball game to see one of our volunteers and a friend of the family. It was nice to have my friend’s help to keep Sarah in the bleachers. The most wonderful moment was when our volunteer, M., saw Sarah and rushed over to greet Sarah (and all of us) with love and delight in her whole being. There is nothing better than seeing someone interact with my child with such joy and love. The girls both cheered, “Go M!” during the game, though not necessarily at an audible volume.
For most of the week I felt like I was really in the groove for responding to yelling with calmness. It was as if I truly understood that the fastest way to get what I wanted was to stay calm, kind, and upbeat. Friday evening this fresh perspective started deteriorating and by last night I was back to full-on frustration and yelling at them. This is where my cluster headaches came to my aid.
For most of the week when I had cluster headaches I was remembering not to do any massage on my own muscles and to just think my Alexander Technique directions. Then there was one headache where I just didn’t follow my own rules. Early in the week I gave up on being gluten-free and chocolate-free because it wasn’t seeming to make a difference and in the wee hours when I am sick with pain then the only thing tolerable is toast. With the worst headache yet of this cluster, I began massaging my own muscles. It always seems to help at first and then I use too much pressure and make it worse. This time I recognized it and eased up on the pressure. But still. I lost my intentions. The headache was bad and lasted a long time.
Yesterday I had an amazing Alexander Technique class with my teacher and I felt like I understood something more fully than ever before about really supporting my body in 3D and that to support my arm structure I really need my whole torso involved. While the words seem the same as ones I have used before, this understanding was experientially different. I start with thinking about my top vertebra supporting my head and then my cervical spine and then my thoracic spine, etc. It is as if I am building the support and only moving lower when I really feel it at the top. Last night I had two headaches and with the first I was able to get it cleared within 20 minutes of solid AT thinking. With the second headache the pain was a bit more intense and I saw myself heading down the customary road of constant movement and wanting to do massage. I stopped myself and did my newest AT thinking. Within a minute the pain was more tolerable. The headache itself lasted a couple hours but in a manageable way. This is so awesome. What is extra exciting was my realization that just as with some headaches I lose my intentions and do what I know isn’t the best because at the time I feel like I have no other recourse, so too with my parenting moments of yelling. It is all ok. I can just get back on the horse of my intentions that do seem more effective. And I can be gentle with myself for the times where I feel trapped and desperately do whatever I can, even when it isn’t helpful or effective. I am just doing my best and oh what a painful, tight spot that must be either physically or mentally for me to flail about with old habits. My headache experience is helping me let it all go and move on.
While this may seem absurd to deal with the headache pain, I learn so much from the experience, especially this time around. Another realization that I had midweek was how I was getting scared about the pain and tightening my whole being against possible future pain. This fear is the worst part of clusters for me because it robs me of my joy in life. So this time around I had that fear and tension for a couple days and then I saw what I was doing and let it go. I think I am either 1/2 or 1/3 of the way through the cluster so I think I can really make it.
My AT experience helped me think more clearly about Sarah and Amy too. I want to support them so fully from the bottom up that our interactions are as harmonious as possible. I think this is what we have been doing (or attempting) but thinking about it in this way helps affirm my perspective (not that this was clear last night when I yelled, but as I said, that was a moment where I didn’t feel like I could think clearly or flexibly. That doesn’t mean I can’t reclaim my clear, flexible, supportive thinking today.) What a gift the Alexander Technique and my wonderful teachers continue to be.
Lots of love and full 3D support to all of you.
Leave a Reply