I forgot last week to share that while Carl and I were away, Sonia gave the girls a bath and washed their hair. The remarkable thing is that Sarah tipped her head back in the water and didn’t fuss about the whole process! Clearly Sonia will be washing Sarah’s hair from now on. 🙂 Part of the reason this happened and worked is that Sonia didn’t know that Sarah doesn’t tip back. The follow-up to this bit of news, though, is that when we returned from a camping trip this morning and needed to wash Sarah’s hair, there was lots of yelling and resistance. Perhaps I should have called Sonia to come do it. Or maybe it is just that sometimes hair washing goes easily and sometimes it doesn’t.
Sarah had her first week of preschool (as part of our homeschooling). She did beautifully. I was there the first day, sitting in the hall behind closed doors. I only helped for when Sarah needed to stay in a line and with snack time and outside playtime. During the prayer before her snack she kept sneaking peeks back at me. It felt very kid-sneaky-wonderful. I didn’t observe her for very much of the time overall, but what I did see felt full of a clear, present, calm, healthy poise. On the playground she watched the other kids often, but with a mostly calm demeanor. A couple of years ago she would have had her head tilted upside down while she watched the feet passing her and her jaw and hands would have been moving a mile a minute. Now she stood and watched, head and body upright, jaw mostly still, hands mostly calm.
One thing I am appreciating recently is the perspective of when. It is not if, it is when. For anything. It is not if she will be able to play with other kids; it is when and how can we best continue to help her?
Overall I have felt more successful in being compassionate with Sarah’s upsets. (Not all the time; especially not regarding camping because that collided with my own tension). I have hugged and held her more and sometimes this helps her move into calm more easily. I have been able to say I’m sorry I have to wash her snail pants from a place of empathy instead of defensiveness.
Carl had a new experience around Sarah’s upset too. Sarah loves a car across the street very deeply and if it is not parked outside then all is not right with the world. Several nights ago, Sarah checked on the car’s status after bedtime and was chagrinned. Carl came in to comfort her and did so from a shared belief that all was not right with the world because of the missing car. He was really with her. Then he started talking about where the car’s owner might be. Together they decided that the owner had gone to Target to get a pizza. This seemed new in how Sarah was thinking while moving through her upset instead of being frozen in her upset.
On Tuesday the girls had gymnastics class. This is the first time they are in a shared class and without a parent directly with them. I stayed in the room and only had to intervene a few times when Sarah tried to get to new equipment before it was time. Sarah sat on the line at the beginning and said her name when it was her turn to introduce herself. She followed 1/3 of the warm-up movements before getting more interested in other things. This is a huge improvement from when she first took a gymnastics class a few years ago. I was struck by how proud I was of Sarah’s participation. Then I was aware of how much I take for granted that Amy will participate easily and the fact that she does so gets less awe and appreciation, though it is no less amazing. Perhaps it is because it comes relatively easily for Amy whereas I know it has been a struggle for Sarah and work from her SR team to help her get to this moment. Still, I want to notice the miracle of Amy at the same time as I notice the miracle of Sarah.
We went to a beach at a lake yesterday and then went camping in the adjoining campground. It was wonderful. (And sometimes stressful and annoying.) There was a lot of whining and yelling during the morning to get ready and then impatience when we arrived to skip lunch and get right to the water, though we prevailed that lunch had to happen first. Most of the impatience was by Sarah, and then by myself towards her. The moment I am most proud of is when I realized that, for me, beach or camping preparations are stressful and that I have a challenging time with it, just as Sarah may be challenged by various situations, and that my recourse to self-care is grumpy tension as I try to maintain control in a non-standard setting. And that is all. That is ok. I was then able to let it be ok and release the grumps and have a good time. Amy was very bold, exploring all around and making a new friend. Because the beach is small and she had a life vest, we didn’t have to shadow her closely. Sarah also explored quite a bit.
When it comes to camping, we definitely had our priorities in the proper order. We began with s’mores. S’mores with homemade graham crackers (grain-free, vegan), homemade marshmallows (using honey), and homemade chocolate bars. The marshmallows didn’t quite roast like the store-bought variety, but they were yummy. The girls mostly ate each part separately. Then we had hot dogs. Then we set up the tent.
I have been again aware of my compulsion to think I should be doing more when things are feeling easy. When our Sarah-Rise program feels easily successful, then I think that we would be doubly successful if I doubled my efforts, even though some of the effort is to have things feel relaxed and easy. I think I’m succeeding at noticing but not acting upon the compulsion to do more. If things are going well, maybe let’s just keep rolling.
A less lovely awareness regards my reaction when Sarah slipped off the step stool a little during a middle of the night party a few nights ago. My reaction was one of fearful, angry judgement, of “what is wrong with you?” in my head. This was not a pretty moment to notice, but I am holding it with some gentleness given that it was a two hour party that started at 2:30am, on the heels of being up earlier because Sarah was yelling about needing new pjs because hers were sweaty and because she wanted a nightgown like Amy’s new one (I had to explain that all the stores were closed in the middle of the night). This was also a solo night because Carl was gone for work. As Sonia pointed out, it is notable that this was the worst night in a long time. That means overall nights haven’t been so bad. What I’m pondering now, in the light of day, is that maybe the person I am judging is me and how come I have a 7 year old who still wakes up so much in the night, who has rare parties that last for 2 hours, and who slips off a step-stool sometimes. If it could be ok that I have a 7 year old who fits that description, then maybe I could let go of judging Sarah in those moments.
Sonia recently made a comment that has stayed with me. I was worrying about doing something to help a friend and wanting to do it right so the friend wouldn’t get upset. Sonia said that even if whatever I did was great, the friend might still get upset because maybe she would need to be upset and that could help her be upset. This is helping me think about my girls and how maybe sometimes they need to be upset, they have feelings to vent and latch onto something I say or do as a means to help themselves. It doesn’t mean I did the wrong thing. In fact, maybe it was just exactly the right thing.
I have also been thinking generally about when everything goes haywire for a person’s emotional equilibrium or clarity. I’m realizing that this is not a behavioral problem so much as a showing me where Sarah or I have reached our challenge point. I believe this is the main point of the Son-Rise Program, that kids with autism do not have a behavioral problem so much as a social relational challenge. I like the idea of extending this thinking to all challenges and behaviors that I don’t like, in myself or others. The times that I blame Sarah for her behaviors are usually the times when I have run into my own challenge point, such as with camping preparations. So next time, maybe I don’t need to ask her to be more patient. Maybe next time I can think about what is challenging for me and why and come up with new solutions to those challenges.
Anyway, thanks as always for listening.
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