Mom-Mom came to visit and it was wonderful to have such fresh help. She has totally fresh energy for the girls and I let her have almost solo childcare duty for two days while I did lots of other things (and Sonia took two days to work on her move). It was wonderful to hear new responses to some of Sarah’s habitual melt-downs. I could see how I am jaded by repetition into having instant impatience. Unfortunately, as of right now, having witnessed and appreciated fresh responses has not translated into my having fresh responses.
I am working mightily on first having compassion for my own tired self. I am trying to give my own feelings space so that I can let Sarah have her feelings. Maybe sometimes we are both just having a hard day together. Maybe when I am hurt that she just whines at me and never thanks me, maybe that is me not thanking me or validating what I do.
I am all for noticing and using my ability to choose how I respond to various things. I think first I must find out where I am. It is like locating myself on a map so I know where to go next. If I am feeling weary to my core then I have to let myself be weary to my core before I expect myself to be the Energizer Bunny. Yes, this is an amazing journey that I probably would choose again. Yes, I have incredible experiences and meet wonderful people. And, yes, I am so tired of not sleeping through the night because of small individuals. I am so tired of the yelling and whining. I am so very tired of always feeling like I should do more. I am just so tired. I get breaks, but maybe breaks do not do the backward filling of my reservoir. Maybe the breaks keep me at my current level. And certainly new revelations can do some backward refilling. But I also want to acknowledge and honor that this has been very hard. Parenting can be hard in general. Parenting a child with special needs can be another level of hard entirely. It has been hard in the practical ways of potty training taking longer and feeding challenges. It has been hard in the more spiritual/mental ways when I compare my situation and feel lacking or deeply envious of others. The demands are higher and the road is longer. For any developmental stage through which Amy passes, Sarah takes about 5 times as long to pass that stage. Sarah’s stages are not as easy to read because she is all over the place. In some ways she is younger than Amy and in other ways she is older.
What I realize after writing down some of what is hard is that at least half of the struggle is due to the way I am thinking about the situation. I am the one thinking I should do more. I am the one doing the comparing. So if I am tired of some of those things then it is time to stop framing things in the way I have been. This seems slightly easier said than done, but it is a start.
My thoughts on Wednesday: I am feeling like I want to go on strike for a bit. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to make more healthy food. I don’t want to do more SR. I don’t want to do potty sitting. I don’t want to get up in the middle of the night. I don’t want to read kids’ books. I don’t want to be yelled at or whined at or screamed at.
I often think that other people would be able to handle all of this better and that there are many other SR parents who do. But maybe that is irrelevant. There is actually only one Sarah and one me and one Amy. So there is no way to directly compare. Maybe the truth is that I have done the best I can and that sometimes that means excelling so I impress my own self and sometimes that means feeling like a slob as I chow down on a chocolate bar and let my kids watch as much Dora as they want. Sometimes it means I am totally motivated and rock a 2 hour SR session. Sometimes it means I want to lie down on the floor and not get up for a day. Sometimes I am tired to my core.
I am currently enjoying a small vacation with Carl and it is lovely. A huge thank you to Sonia and A. for making this possible. I miss my girls but I hope this break will give me more space to let them have a range of emotions. My goal is to increase my compassion for their upsets. This means starting with more compassion for how challenging it is for me when they scream. First, it is acknowledging my own emotions and saying, “I am here.”
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