After my last update I again thought I had everything figured out forever and that I would never be grumpy again, never yell at my kids again, never feel drained again. Not so. This week I have felt tired and grumpy. We have also had many lovely, snuggly moments where I feel so blessed to have so much time with my girls. When both girls are climbing on me and giving me kisses and hugs I think I am the most blessed person in the world.
In contrast to some times when I have been grumpy, this week I have been more ok with the whole range of everything. I am more aware that even if I have my grumpy times or times that I don’t have energy for something, I am still a good mom and a good person doing my best. I am more aware in many situations that it is ok not to be perfect and that I can still relax and enjoy myself. (This was good for Zumba on Wednesday when I was the only student!)
On Tuesday we went to a party at a neighbor’s house where there was a zipline. Both girls went on it and loved it, but this was the first time Sarah got on like the other big kids did. She climbed to the very top of a ladder, turned around, grabbed the rope, and sat on the seat. Amy got on at a lower spot like the other little kids. At the party, Sarah played with a playdough toy and did some coloring with other kids. Towards the end she got over-saturated with the experience so she was isming strongly and not connecting easily anymore.
I made clothes for the girls. I have never made clothes before in my life. Sarah has been asking forever for snail pants because her beloved pants of the past were retired due to disintegration. I kept looking for the exact pair in used clothing stores but never finding them. When Grandma made elephant pajamas for Sarah that were very different from THE elephant pajamas of the past, I realized we might have more leeway about the look of the snails. Friday afternoon the girls and I went to a fabric store and found the one snail-pattern fabric that they had. It was probably easier that they only had one kind of snail fabric as opposed to the 50 kinds of owl prints. I also bought Dora fabric to make a dress for Amy. I used the elephant pajamas from Grandma to make a pattern for the snail pants. I opened my grandmother’s sewing machine that I haven’t used since before Sarah was born. Somehow, without too much trouble and with minimal cursing, snail pants were created and I only had to adjust the waist once! The dress for Amy was much easier because the fabric was already elasticized at the top so all I did was cut the right size, sew a seam and add straps. Then Sarah wanted a dress too so it was good that I bought 4 times the amount of fabric I needed. I feel very accomplished and I even enjoyed the sewing, which is new because I used to hate sewing.
During one of my SR sessions, Sarah and I played a snail race board game two times for real all the way through. The games weren’t consecutive because she needed some ism-decompression time in between. What amazes me the most is that I am starting to be unsurprised and unimpressed when Sarah plays a game for real all the way to the end. This is still huge, but it is starting to become more normal and that in itself is huge. With the snail game, the dice have different colors on each side. Sarah was starting to read her dice herself and then move snails accordingly.
Yesterday Sarah and I clashed a lot with our grumps. Sometimes I observe friends and loved ones clashing with their own loved ones and it is clear to me where they each take something more personally than it was intended. I have marveled at such clashes and counted my blessings that Carl and I don’t often clash in such fashion. Yesterday it became blindingly obvious that my partner in clashing is Sarah. This has probably been clear to others for years.
One of Sarah’s favorite movies is “Donald In Mathemagic Land.” In one part, Donald is told to clear his mind and the speaker says that Donald’s mind is full of bungling and false concepts. Perhaps Sarah is here to help me sort out my false concepts and bungling. The sorting seems to be full of bungling too and I feel frustrated a lot, but I will keep trying to figure things out so that we clash less often.
This week I have been appreciating myself for modeling trying something new that I don’t know how to do. I told the girls that I thought making pants might be hard and that I didn’t know what I was doing. I said this in a dramatic playful way that Sarah loved. I have also been thinking that it is great how many times Sarah asks for a food she used to be able to eat and can’t now and I say that I will make it, while having no idea how I will do so. I am hoping this serves as a model for the kids that they can go for what they want even if they don’t initially know how to make it happen. One of the specific foods I made this week was Boston Cream Pie Ice Cream. I made coconut milk vanilla ice cream with honey and vanilla cupcake swirled in it. The cupcake had chocolate frosting. If you were to compare to Ben and Jerry’s you would notice a difference, but I still think it was a delicious attempt that satisfied Sarah’s wish.
Given how much I can grump and clash with Sarah or feel overwhelmed by parenting two kids throughout the day, I have been feeling extra appreciative of Sonia. We may not always get a ton of official SR hours, but having Sonia here means that our whole day can be much more Sarah-Risey overall with much less Jenny-Grumping. Both kids get much more loving, relaxed attention.
Sometimes I judge myself as weak for how little time I am on my own with the girls and how much I sometimes still struggle. Then I think, “#$%*& that! I have been a stay-at-home mom to a kid with special needs for 7 1/2 years. I am done with doing it on my own. I will get as much help as I can!). For some reason, seeing it in print that is has been 7 1/2 years helps me find awe and compassion for my tired self. This has been a long, hard, stressful, tear-filled road. It has also been the most incredible, beautiful, stunningly amazing road full of unforeseen blessings. Given a choice, I would pick this road again. I really think I would. It is heart breaking and heart mending. It is heart growing and soul stretching. And it is also so ok that I run out of gas as often as I do. Maybe that is part of the journey and the view too.
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