I am getting over a cold and feel like I have been in the same hamster wheel of thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that I have been in before regarding decisions about schooling next year. This time it has felt even more intense internally so maybe it makes sense that I feel sort of beat up. Maybe that is just being sick. Or maybe the reason I got a cold was because I questioned my decisions so harshly that I sort of beat myself up. Then again, Sarah has a cold too so maybe it is just germs and bad timing. I can get really scared that I have made the wrong decisions and will screw up Sarah’s options in the long run. Or I get really scared that I will make the wrong decision going forward and screw up her options that way. I am worried that in trying so hard for a home run that I may strike out. I know a lot of these fears may not actually make sense to observers or even other people very close to the situation, but they are my internal experience and that is what I write about so I can remember it later.
The next step is to make a couple more visits to schools and then have some discussions with Carl and Sonia. And to try as much as possible to trust my gut. The specific detail I found out that has me tailspinning is that if we have S attend a public school they would want to put her in second grade and the most they might allow us to change that would be to first grade (I had thought we could do kindergarten). This is mainly regarding the life skills class which is just for kids with special needs. It is the class we had decided upon two years ago right before I decided to pull her out of school entirely for full-time Son-Rise. If she goes to private school then we have more leverage but then I feel like we are sort of committing to private school the whole way or home schooling the whole way. I visited my dream private school and took S to meet the kindergarten teacher, who was quite lovely with Sarah, but also thinks Sarah won’t be ready for her class in the fall. Maybe in another year. The upcoming visits are to the private school preK for 4 yr olds and to the life skills class in the public school system, which at least has moved to be in a very convenient location. Somehow if she goes into the same class we had planned on before then I feel like I have failed, didn’t achieve enough fast enough. I start questioning everything. And yet, if I hadn’t kept her home for full time Son-Rise, I don’t know if she would be talking now. Maybe. Maybe not. This all feels very hard and stressful. It has felt like an existential crisis about our program. At least I have lots of smart, loving people helping me think things through and not make any rash decision. I want to choose the path that will help Sarah flourish the most.
Yesterday Carl discovered Sarah “fixing” the toilet (which wasn’t broken). She was there with the plunger in place and a grin on her face. Then last night she wanted to read instead of go to bed. Carl said no. Sarah said she needed to use the potty and that she wanted to go by herself. After many silent minutes, Carl went to investigate. Bathroom door closed, light on, Sarah inside reading outloud to herself. 🙂
Anywho, that is all for today. I hope you are well.
Sorry for the long note that is to come, but this resonated with me so much in so many ways.
First, I think about these issues for the student I teach. Is he in the right setting? Is full inclusion right? Should he have a full time aid? Should he have more pull out for social/emotional/speech skills? Should I be getting more coaching on formulating and implementing goals specific to his needs? Who would give me that coaching in our setting? In other words, I think everyone worries about these issues. If you have lack of clarity, I think it is just the nature of the situation, not anything about you. In the case of my student, who is low income, there are so few options. This makes it pretty clear that our school is the best option for him. Having lots of options (private school and staying home) because of being middle class is a gift and you can take a minute to appreciate that, but having lots of options also makes it harder to choose. So the place where you are right now is a gift and a burden.
I was also thinking about my own struggles in choosing schooling for my own child. I know that so much of who I am came from going to FCS. So choice of school seems so important. It started with choosing to buy a house in the city and choosing to work in a field that wouldn't allow my kids to go to private school. And now that we are in the middle of traipsing around to a billion and one urban public schools, I question whether my child will end up learning enough, whether she will have play dates, whether she will become more violent from being around kids who need to be violent in their home lives to get their needs fulfilled. I worry that because she will need to deal with more nuisances in school than I did that she will connect race with misbehavior and become a less tolerant person rather than a more tolerant person. Every parent I know who has a 4 year old is having the same discussions. It is pretty much all that I talk about with my peers at this point in life. I say this to let you know that you are not alone. I can feel lucky that I don't really worry whether my child will learn to read, and you can feel lucky that you have the money to have lots of options, but those don't really change that fact that this is hard stuff! We all want our kids to flourish in particular ways and it is hard to know how to get to that end.
I think the good news about picking a school is that every parent worries about it and most kids end up fine. And no decision is permanent.
And I think that if you decide homeschooling longterm is the best option, you should feel that this is a success of your program, not a failure. That means you are confident it is working!
I hope at some point, with all of your research, something will start to just feel right.
Allison