This week we got roughly 29 hours. We’ve had some exciting moments, but the salient feature of this week for me has been lots of thinking. I have been thinking a lot about time. We are giving Sarah the gift of our time. Our Amy volunteers give the gift of their time. What do I want for Mother’s Day? time. What do I not give myself much of? time. With the last question what I really mean is that I don’t give myself much time to reflect on things and question my beliefs (using the Option process) as much as I would like. So this week I decided to spend more time letting myself just think.
Sarah has been amazing with the marble run game recently, in part because I changed my responses and requests. She often points to a picture on the box and says “that one” but then starts building something on her own. Lately I have been asking if she really wants to build “that one” and telling her she’ll have to follow my instructions if she wants to build it. Twice she has stayed with me, with some reminders, and built a complicated marble run 95% on her own, with my guidance. That takes both dexterity and attentiveness.
Carl noticed an improvement in her saying the alphabet with him (not just on her own). When we really clarify specific goals and the whole team works towards them there is always improvement. This helps me realize again and again how important my own clarity and direction is in terms of helping Sarah.
I had a consultation/dialogue with M. on Monday and was able to notice how much I have felt I need to control Sarah’s progress and healing in terms of eating, leg rashes, and potty use during the night. I let go of a lot of that, especially my need for speed, realizing that it is Sarah’s journey. That night marked the first time ever for night-time potty independence. Coincidence? Or because I let go? Perhaps this is more evidence that the more I clear my own stuff the more easily Sarah can flourish. Dang/Yay!
I have been noticing how I still have layers of internal stuck spots of feeling like I need to fix Sarah and need her to be normal and need that to happen soon and at the same time need to be perfectly loving to help her get there. I have been fundamentally believing that if only I did a better job then she would be normal already. And that this is the goal. What if that isn’t the goal? What if the goal is to be really present and loving and accepting, while having the goals of helping her develop and learn for the sake of being the best Sarah she can be? I know I come back to this theme repeatedly and that is because it is the crux of this whole business. Can I have a goal of Sarah being typical while at the same time not needing that in any way? and why do I feel like I need it? want it?
At least once a day Amy has a time of crying broken-heartedly about needing help. I so understand this. I think that is what I do when I am feeling like I should be doing more. I’m inwardly a similar broken record about needing help and a similarly frozen person, not moving forward and just feeling yucky. With Amy I can give her compassionate space for the feelings (most of the time) and trust that she will move through them and then be her amazingly capable self. What would happen if I could give myself more space to be where I am, knowing that I always do move forward? that has to be the start. I attempted a small dialogue with myself (please read gently)…
what if the program you are running now is enough?
that brings me back to the deep belief that it’s not enough and that I should be doing more and that there is something wrong with me that I’m not.
Why is it not enough? what would be enough?
enough would obviously be whatever is needed for Sarah to be typical by the end of the year.
why by the end of the year?
because we have to hurry! It has to be soon so that I know this is the right path
so only the end result of normalcy will tell you this has been the right path?
apparently.
Sarah’s learning to speak and connect more socially, what of that?
well, yes, the path worked well for that. but what if I had done something more that would have helped even more? or if I could only do SR even more fully and perfectly then it would be the right path. so it can be the right path but I might not be doing it right
why do you believe that?
because then it gives me the illusion of control
why does S need to reach a certain level of development for you to feel ok about yourself?
because I’m Jenny and I’m supposed to have perfect kids; this wasn’t supposed to happen with S having delays so we have to hurry, hurry, hurry to fix them – in a relaxed loving accepting way of course. 🙂
what if S never progressed further than she is today? could that possibly just mean that she never progresses past where she is today? and not reflect on you as a parent or person or your abilities?
I’ll work on it. Not there yet to let myself off the hook that easily. because if I accept that then maybe I won’t keep working to improve the program and myself
do you believe that?
I might actually relax more and not try so hard with some things, which I know might actually be beneficial in some way. I think if I accept things as they are without needing them to change then I’ll actually have more energy, but I still feel an element of wanting to peek to see if accepting is the trick and then she will be normal faster. So a belief to affirm is that it is 100% ok if Sarah doesn’t change at all from this day forth.
I feel kind of stuck with this dialogue. Maybe this is why people pay other people to help them! As I reread it a few times I can see that there are other questions that I could be asking of myself, but I’ll keep those for another time. It is still quite clarifying to see where I am feeling stuck and notice that those are beliefs that I could decide to change.
One more thing that came up this week was that another parent of a kid who isms (but not a Son-Rise family) said they were told by the NACD (National Association for Child Development) that isming could damage the nervous system because it reinforces non-typical neural pathways. When they stopped their daughter from isming, and presumably implemented the other recommendations of which I have no information, their daughter progressed quickly and dramatically. With this information I felt thrown for a loop and started questioning if my chosen path was the right one, etc. Upon giving myself time to explore this more and ask myself what I believe, I came back to my deep belief in the Son-Rise Program. Some of the people in this world who have done some of the most amazing things in terms of helping people are Bears and Samahria. I want to follow that path and trust it and jump in with both feet. I want to embrace Son-Rise even more thoroughly. This means doing more dialogues and giving myself the time to become clearer. Bears has said that there are many different ways to climb the mountain and that it is most effective to choose one and embrace it fully. So, while I will incorporate things (such as GAPS) that can supplement Son-Rise, I am not looking to change my path. If anything it’s time to get out the map again and make sure I’m using all the guidance available. My time is precious and if I am going to spend it reading and watching videos to learn more and be inspired to be more effective then I want to spend it doing Son-Rise related reading and viewing. And I can let other parents choose their own paths without needing them to do SRP to help me feel good about my choices.
Before each SR training course there is a questionnaire and one of the questions posed is something about whether it is more important to me that my child recover or that I run the Son-Rise Program. The first time I answered recovery. The second time I might have had the same answer. The third time I think it was the SRP. With some fears that I’m still not doing it “right” (whatever that ultimately means), I realize that my answer now is running the SRP. I happen to believe this is one of the best ways of helping Sarah. I also believe it is the way to help me have the life that I want and clean out the emotional cobwebs. While I want the absolute best for Sarah, I want that to the inclusion of what is best for the rest of the family. The rest of us matter too. I would really like to step off the hamster-wheel of cycling doubts now (this involves questioning and fearing more than questioning and answering). I see that the only way to do that is to choose to do it and have hopeful faith that I am steering this ship in the best direction.
I know I come back to all of these themes and thoughts a lot. I share them because it is where I am on this journey and I want to remember it.
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